Insecurities
by Kelsey
Summary: One story each, from each Roswell main character's POV, focusing on each of their insecurities.
1. Michael

****

Insecurities:

Part 1

by

[Kelsey][1]

Author's Note: This isn't really an author's note, it's more like an explanation, but that'll work too. Anyway, I decided to write this series, as an eight-part story, in which one character dictated each part of the story. As the title suggests, it will focus on the personal insecurities of each character. These stories take place during second season, at various times. Happy Reading!

Disclaimer: I head this somewhere on the Internet, and felt it was appropriate. So I'm going to use it here. *I highly doubt that Jason Katims and Melinda Metz have taken up a new hobby writing fanfiction. So, therefore, you can assume that the characters aren't mine.*

Rating: PG

Feedback, please? I want to know how I'm doing. It goes to [teneljade@netzero.net][1], and thanks again!

Michael

**********

I am alone in my apartment, Metallica playing as loud as the stereo goes in the background, and I am a killer. 

It just hit me today, when Isabel was so torn up over the fact that she killed Congresswoman Whittaker, that I had done the same thing, some time ago. To an innocent, which was even worse than what Isabel did to Vanessa. At least Isabel was only defending herself, only responding to a direct threat that was made to her very existence.

Agent Pierce was a threat. I was defending myself, defending us all, and you can't imagine how many times I tell myself that, day and day again, trying to cope with the fact that I killed a man whose only crime was to be too curious.

_No! _I cut myself off, drag my thoughts away from that day. Pierce was dangerous, I did what I had to. To keep Max and Isabel and Tess safe. I probably helped to save Liz, Maria, Kyle and Alex's lives, too. If the FBI had found out they knew us, there was no telling what they would have done.

But as I push the disturbing images from my head, it is quickly replaced by worries and insecurities, some of them dealing with the fate of the world, some with things that can only be considered extremely trivial in the overall picture. I press freeze-frame on my thoughts, catching a picture of Maria DeLuca swirling around my head. Next to her, vying for space in my thoughts, is a picture of Isabel. I complete the triangle.

Me, Isabel and Maria. Now there is an interesting thought. And one that the fate of the world probably doesn't depend on. No, I take that back. Who knows what could happen when I make my choice?

_When? _A gong goes off in my head. At exactly what time did I start thinking of that choice as 'when' instead of 'if'? Isabel or Maria, Isabel or Maria? The thought is constantly tumbling around my already jumbled head, but for now, I thought I'd decided to ignore it.

_Just think about it_, my consciousness, my inner child, whatever you want to call it, coaches. I sigh, and surrender. "All right," I mutter to myself. "Isabel or Maria? Isabel or Maria?"

I have too many organs. I figured that out a long time ago, in fact, I think I figured that out when I met my first human. The heart and the head are not compatible. _I wonder which one I would recommend for extermination on a perfect person, though,_ I ponder. They are both so often right.

Well, I have to start somewhere. Logically speaking, I should follow my head, and I guess that's where I'll start. My head. My head says Isabel. We've been destined for longer than anyone on earth has been alive, and destiny is a powerful thing to mess with. On the other hand... Isabel?

Isabel is practically my sister. She _is_ my best friend, besides Max. Someone to confide in, someone who's shoulder I can cry on, without worrying about being laughed at. But she's not romantic relationship material, at least not with me. I just don't feel anything. 

But I can't escape the fact that every little decision I make, whether to get up at 6:30, or wait until 7:00, could make all the difference in the world, literally. The weight of this whole planet rests on Max's shoulder, and I can't imagine how that feels, seeing as I feel squashed flat with just my little piece of the responsibility.

Right. Back to Isabel. Or rather, back to my Isabel/Maria internal conflict dance. Where was I? Isabel, right. And the weight of my decisions.

Isabel and I getting together, or not getting together could mean the end of a civilization. The end of the earth as we know it. Hell, it could even mean the end of the galaxy, the universe, for all I know. We have no idea what we're dealing with, here.

But I still don't love her. Not that way. And I know, deep within myself, intellectual restraints and all, that picking Isabel over Maria wouldn't make the least bit of difference if I didn't love her. I don't know how I know, I just do.

Now, on to my heart. Ahh, quality time with my more fickle organ. No, I take that back. It doesn't betray me by it's self, it is simply creates conflict by the simple fact that it exists, when my head decides to butt in.

The image of Maria floats through my head again, dancing at the Crashdown, after hours. Isabel made the CDs play with her power, and she, Tess and Maria were dancing. Liz joined them after a while, and they all looked so happy and free. Maria was smiling, and laughing, and her wavy blond ringlets were flying every which-way. She looked like an angel.

Maria DeLuca. Seventeen years old. Mother, Amy DeLuca. Her mom was a teen mother, her father left years after Maria's birth. She's tentative, afraid of being hurt, and I've seen how it makes her feel. It makes me feel doubly awful for deserting her. 

_I never meant to hurt her_, my head keeps repeating. _I did what I had to do_.

What I had to do. What a crock of shit. I treated her like a piece of crap, throwing her away when I realized we couldn't be together. Hell, I've seen _Grease_. I've seen it so many times my tape wore out, and I had to buy a new one. When I broke it off with Maria, I acted exactly like Danny Zuko. And it gives me no pleasure whatsoever, even though he was my role model when I was a kid.

It's funny. When I was ten, I saw the movie for the first time. I was living with Hank, and everything was awful. I hated school, I had no parents, I was an alien, out of place. Max and Isabel were the only part of the storm I felt I could identify with, and they helped, but it was still friggin' hard. 

So, back to the subject. Ah, yes, _Grease_.

When I saw _Grease_, I decided I wanted to be just like Danny, all cool-kid outside, so that he would never get hurt, but so soft inside. Well, I mastered the cool-kid part, but I'm still working on the other. And God knows my inner conflict has caused Maria DeLuca enough of her own.

Maria. God, I love her. But now it's too late. I had my chance, I blew it. Now she'll never listen to me. I know she's always trying to get my attention, it hardly escaped me the other day at the Crashdown. But she doesn't trust me. I think she might want to hook me and then dump me, to make me feel what she does. But what she doesn't realize is that I already do. I'm already just as miserable as she is.

Besides, she wouldn't do that. No matter how mad Maria DeLuca is, she's a kind, caring person, and she wouldn't hurt anybody on purpose. That was unfair of me to even think that. But I know I was right when I said that she'd never trust me. She won't.

******

For the first time in my life, I think, I have allowed myself to open up to myself. To own up to my mistakes, to acknowledge the burden I feel on my shoulders. And it worked well, for the most part. But there's one thing left. And his name is Max Evans.

Otherwise known as my leader, the King of our planet, and just general ruler in every sense of the name. Or title, as the case may be.

Max Evans has been my best friend since I met him in third grade. The moment we learned that we shared the same secret, the bond was instantaneous. I already said that Izzy is like my sister, and if that's true, Max was like a brother to me. We even fought like them, over little things when we were kids, the issues growing more complex as we began to fully understand the consequences of what we were, and what would happen if others knew.

The problems we'd been having came to a head when Max believed and embraced his role as a leader. 

Max Evans is a leader. There is no doubt about it. He was born to command people, and he'll be good at it, someday. But with the knowledge that Max will one day rise to the throne as King, comes the knowledge that I must also obey his orders. 

I won't. I know me. Isabel will resist too, I know her. But with each little rebellion, our guilt grows heavier, our pain at knowing that a wrong step could cost the lives of millions, our impatience to believe that if we just listen to Max, everything will be fine, is costing us. Costing us our sense of self, our freedom to be who we are.

And Max knows.

I love him. I don't care if it's by blood or by friendship, but Max is my brother. And I will never stop loving him. But that won't keep me from doing things that have a major potential to backfire in my face, won't keep me from pushing him away until he no longer loves me.

The Metallica CD in the background grinds to a halt, and the sudden silence fills my ears. A tap on the door comes only seconds later, probably from someone who was waiting for the music to end, so that I could hear them. I head to the door and open it, prepared to do a lot of angry defense work if it's Max and he's pissed.

The door swings open, and my anger level drops off, though my guard doesn't drop. My angel is standing in the doorway.

"Maria," I say. She looks uncomfortable, and I realize that I am blocking the door for her. I move hastily aside motioning her inside. "Sorry. Come on in."

She walks inside, and my eyes lock on her slender waist, her hips swaying a little below them. The moonlight streaming in the window catches her hair in the spotlight for a second, and it glimmers, as if spun from gold. I am so in love with her that I can hardly breathe.

I make a promise to myself as I follow her into the living room. To her, and to Max, and to Izzy. _I _will _fix things for all of you, someday_, I promise. _I love you all, in different ways, but I love you, and I will make sure that things turn out okay for you in the end._

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   [1]: mailto:teneljade@netzero.net
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/princess_mcphee/roswell.html
   [3]: http://www.geocities.com/princess_mcphee/rosfanfic.html



	2. Isabel

****

Insecurities:

Part 3

by

[Kelsey][1]

Author's Note: This isn't really an author's note, it's more like an explanation, but that'll work too. Anyway, I decided to write this series, as an eight-part story, in which one character dictated each part of the story. As the title suggests, it will focus on the personal insecurities of each character. These stories take place during second season, at various times. Happy Reading!

Disclaimer: I head this somewhere on the Internet, and felt it was appropriate. So I'm going to use it here. *I highly doubt that Jason Katims and Melinda Metz have taken up a new hobby writing fanfiction. So, therefore, you can assume that the characters aren't mine.*

Rating: PG

Feedback, please? I want to know how I'm doing. It goes to [teneljade@netzero.net][1], and thanks again!

Isabel

************

I live in fear. I always have. I'm beginning to suspect I always will.

I was eight years old when I learned how different I was for real, but I'd always known something was off. I mean, not every kid is found wandering along a highway, naked, gripping her brother's hand and unable to talk.

The secret? It was always Max and Michael's. They wouldn't let up on me, from the moment we figured it out. Don't tell, Isabel. If you tell them, they won't love you, Isabel. If you tell them, the government will take you away, and run experiments on you, Isabel.

So, I lived in fear. And granted, it was warranted every once in a while, what with Pierce and Topolsky and all, but I was sure that was all Max's fault. If he just hadn't healed Liz, then everything would have been okay. I was so certain of that fact, and so mad with Max that I didn't notice the changes that had occurred.

When I did, I realized that suddenly we had a group of friends, who knew everything about us, down to our real, true, alien souls, and they hadn't run. In fact, it had made us all closer. I had a boyfriend, if I'd wanted him, which I hadn't, but he was there. Little puppy-dog Alex. Max and Liz were sickeningly sappy, and Michael had a new verbal sparring/flirting partner who actually knew who he was, too.

We were all happier. And we owed to Max's spontaneous decision. But I forced myself to keep arguing the other point. The fact that no one had been suspicious before the Liz incident, and certainly no one had tried to kill us before then. Max had never been tortured, people hadn't been killed, our worlds had been full of paranoia, but never the chaos that resided in them now.

My point is, Max doesn't live in fear. He gets frightened sometimes, but he doesn't live in it, have it tempering his every move, and because of that, we all benefited. I got my first real close girlfriends, and Max and Michael both gained something even more important--the girls whom I think are their soulmates.

After all that, things settled down, and summer was a calm, if somewhat emotionally tense, break from the aforementioned chaos. Liz went away, Max moped, Michael and Maria avoided each other as best as they could in a town the size of Roswell, and Tess just generally got in the way. Don't get me wrong, she's one of my best friends now, but back then, she was a little... how to put it delicately... oh, hell, just say it. A little... bitchy. 

Then everyone came back, and everything spiraled out of control again. First Congresswoman Whittaker, which led into the whole Skins mess, which in turn, led to the whole Michael-and-Maria-being-even-meaner-to-each-other-than-usual thing, when no immediate danger was present. Or, actually, for that matter of fact, they were pretty mean to each other when they were in immediate danger, too.

Max and Liz did the whole mopey puppy dog thing, and Max and Tess seemed to have worked out their 'difference of opinion' about their destiny. Currently, I think it's Liz who's refusing to take my brother back, but it could be the other way around... You never can figure out what's what with those two.

And now we're in the middle of this whole Laurie Dupree mess, complicated by the fact that she's probably Michael's sister or something, plus that Maria's mom is freaking, and so Maria will probably be forced to abide by some ridiculous rules for a while when she comes back, until her mother calms down. So we have to count out Maria's help for a while.

So, I _think_ that's all the events that Max's rather rash actions have caused. Oh, but I forgot the emotional impact of all the secrets on our family, plus the whole Vilandra thing. Which I try hard not to think about.

I'm not sure whether it's preferable to be paranoid and have nothing happen, or constantly be in danger, but at least know that you have a reason to be. It's crazy, right? Obviously it's better to not be in any danger. But I'm not convinced. I was wound up incredibly tight those few years before the Max and Liz incident, and I don't want to be like that again. 

We have more assets now, more help through the official channels, with Sheriff Valenti. Except that I got him kicked off the force. That feels really great, to know that I helped him lose his job. But Laurie's alive, and with Michael, hopefully. 

Max and Liz are holed up in his room again, trying to figure out more about that 'Ganderium' stuff, probably getting properly tense from the mere act of being three feet from each other. I really wish those two would give it up, and just get back together. Even Michael and Maria were smart enough to do that.

Then again, I shouldn't be talking.

Back to the fear. I'm guessing you don't think I sound very fearful right now, huh? Probably 'sarcastic' is the first thought you come up with. But this happens. So long, knowing I'm different, yet having to pretend to live a normal life, at the same time, trying, again and again to save the world, it makes me feel like I've got two personalities. Human Isabel and alien Isabel. It would be fitting, since I'm half-human and half-alien. And somewhere, in the meshing of those personalities, the fear gets lost.

Maybe it's because they react so differently. My human half gets frightened. Little-kid-who-thinks-there-are-monsters-under-the-bed frightened. Weepy scared. 

My alien half, on the other hand, thinks it's cool to tie me up in knots and drive everyone around me crazy. I can't help myself. Sometimes I don't even feel like I have any control when I'm her. Biting remarks come out of my mouth, and I'm a perfectionist to an extent even Max can't beat. 

I think I will always live in fear. I wonder sometimes if it's worth it, but I cannot think about that too much, or I get depressed. Because I know I will never fit in on this earth. I will hold my secret forever, and probably carry it to the grave. I will probably never have children, because of all the risks. And who knows if it's even possible? Except with another alien. And that's too sick of a thought to consider. Michael and Max are _both_ my brothers.

I might spend the rest of my life searching for ways to keep civilization from falling apart. I might die tomorrow, from those damn 'Ganderium's, or I might die an old lady in her bed. Somehow I doubt the old lady part will ever come true.

And if I ever go back to our world, I will never fit in there either. I am half human, but much more so than that emotionally, because I was raised like a human. I have one foot with equal weight in each world, and I fear I will never be able to shift myself over to one side completely. 

I guess I can do nothing but wait and see what my worlds offer. But... all of these things, all that they scare me, what scares me most is what is on the inside. I am Isabel Evans. But I am also Princess Vilandra. And that is what haunts my nightmares.

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   [1]: mailto:teneljade@netzero.net
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/princess_mcphee/roswell.html
   [3]: http://www.geocities.com/princess_mcphee/rosfanfic.html



	3. Tess

****

Insecurities:

Part 2

by

[Kelsey][1]

Author's Note: This isn't really an author's note, it's more like an explanation, but that'll work too. Anyway, I decided to write this series, as an eight-part story, in which one character dictated each part of the story. As the title suggests, it will focus on the personal insecurities of each character. These stories take place during second season, at various times. Happy Reading!

Disclaimer: I head this somewhere on the Internet, and felt it was appropriate. So I'm going to use it here. *I highly doubt that Jason Katims and Melinda Metz have taken up a new hobby writing fanfiction. So, therefore, you can assume that the characters aren't mine.*

Rating: PG

Feedback, please? I want to know how I'm doing. It goes to [teneljade@netzero.net][1], and thanks again!

Tess

*********

I don't belong with them. I never will. It's not something that makes me bitter, like it used to, but simply something that I have realized, and must accept. But that's a lot harder than it sounds.

Nasedo would scold me for being soft, and human. But I'm not Nasedo. I'm half-human, and I obviously have some human weaknesses to go along with the lack of certain powers. Sometimes I resent the way he raised me, and I wonder how things would be different if I'd broken out of the pods with Michael, Max, and Isabel. _They'd probably be better, _I think bitterly.

You see, there I go, off on a tangent again. And I'm mentally scolding myself for losing focus, for concentrating on something unimportant, just the way Nasedo used to do, and then I'm scolding myself for scolding myself, telling myself I can't help how I feel. But I don't even _know_ how I feel. God, I'm messed up.

The rest of the royal four, they're confused too. They're scared because of all the dangers that befall them. But emotionally, they're secure. They've got each other, and they have their human friends. They never feel the same kind of loneliness that I get, where it seems like not a single person on the face of the earth would notice if you just disappeared. Well, anyone besides the school system, anyway.

Those days can be scary. I would never really consider suicide, because I am fully aware of my destiny. But isn't it strange that someone like me, who has a clear-cut purpose in life, which, as far as I can tell, is the main reason beings fell worthless, can still be intimidated to the point of wishing she didn't exist?

Kyle helps. He really is kind, and I fear I haven't shown him enough in return. He is important to me, and I hope he knows that. I always mean to tell him, but when I go to try, my tongue gets tied up, and this irrational fear grips me, and then I hear Nasedo telling me that it's not important, it doesn't matter what he feels, anyway, he's just human.

But, God damn it Nasedo, I'm human too! Don't you get it? I told Max I wasn't human, that he wasn't either, but it was a lie. I have human blood in my veins, and I live in a human world, where I was raised. I went to school taught by humans, I fall in love with humans. Or at least lust.

I am a curiosity. I'm not alien, but I'm not quite a human either. I have the powers of an alien, the feelings of a human. But I live on a human world, eat human food, breathe human air. And this makes me feel more like a person, and less like an object created for a single purpose.

I know I was manufactured. Made, in a laboratory, with a single purpose burned into my head. To seek out Max Evans. Fall in love with him, or at least, make him fall in love with me. Vital to the survival of our race, this must be my only drive. And now, I must defy my biology find myself. Because I am not simply an object, I am a person, and I must know who that person is.

And while I'm at it, I have to figure out some way to banish the implanted memories of Max and me, in our other life. Max has made it quite clear that there is no future for us, and that he does not remember our time. And I am not willing to chase a fleeing goal for the rest of my life. 

Besides, that person, the person in my memories, she is not me. She carries a different name, different experiences, different feelings. _I_ don't love Max Evans, she does. But me or not, she holds a power over me.

Not any more. My name is Tess Harding, and I am an alien/human hybrid with a pre-made path to follow in life. But I am also my own person, and I _will_ control my own destiny.

I have just one more thing to say. I miss you Nasedo. But I also hate you, for what you did to me, for how you messed me up. I hate you! And I love you! And this is just more proof of what you did to me.

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   [1]: mailto:teneljade@netzero.net
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   [3]: http://www.geocities.com/princess_mcphee/rosfanfic.html



	4. Max

****

Insecurities:

Part 4

by

[Kelsey][1]

Author's Note: This isn't really an author's note, it's more like an explanation, but that'll work too. Anyway, I decided to write this series, as an eight-part story, in which one character dictated each part of the story. As the title suggests, it will focus on the personal insecurities of each character. These stories take place during second season, at various times. Happy Reading!

Disclaimer: I head this somewhere on the Internet, and felt it was appropriate. So I'm going to use it here. *I highly doubt that Jason Katims and Melinda Metz have taken up a new hobby writing fanfiction. So, therefore, you can assume that the characters aren't mine.*

Rating: PG

Feedback, please? I want to know how I'm doing. It goes to [teneljade@netzero.net][1], and thanks again!

Max

************

I'm eighteen years old. And the weight of the world rests squarely and quite literally upon my shoulders. To anyone who ever thought the world was light, you are sadly mistaken.

It's funny. I can still joke about it within my head, yet the people I know say I'm the most serious being they've ever met. I don't think I remember cracking a smile since my break-up with Liz. And yet, with something of such utter importance as the lives of the billions of creatures on Earth, I can laugh. Or snicker, at least. I don't think I've laughed since Liz, either. Not really.

I suppose this royal task would be harder without my faithful followers, but some days it seems like it would be easier without them. When I take a good look at them, I wonder why they stick around in the first place. All they ever do is wreck their lives, especially romantic and social, helping me, and then gripe about it.

Michael is supposed to be my second in command, but does he ever do anything but break into places and get into trouble or oppose my ideas? And Isabel, she's so rebellious. I mean, I would be too, in her place, but it just makes things harder for me. I value her opinion, but when she just feels like kicking up her heels, can't she do it some other time?

Then there's Tess. And _she_ has a story all to herself. Which is much too long and sordid to get into here, but suffice it to say that she's never been anything but trouble for us. The problem? Her heart is in the right place. She means well. And just because she has turned our lives upside down, it doesn't warrant extreme measures. After all, she was only doing what she had had drilled into her since a very young age. 'Destiny' had become a compulsion. Make it come about, or you have failed in life. I wish she didn't feel that way, because she is a wonderful being in her own right. It is only her fixation with our past lives that makes her so hard to be around.

The humans are another, and yet the same, story. I really can't understand why they stay. At least with the rest of the Royal Four, they have a destiny, a duty to fulfill. The humans, there is no reward in it for them. They get nothing out of it. And yet, they stay. I will never truly know why, I don't think.

They differ in actual usefulness, though. Sheriff Valenti is an invaluable assistant. Kyle is just a pain in the butt, but he seems to make Tess happy, so I attempt to put up with him. On a different note, it's funny that both of the women I'm supposed to be 'destined' to be with one way or another, also fall for Kyle Valenti during some point in their teenage years. 

Alex is never in the way, and has been of more help to us than I could ever credit him with. I would run out of breath. But he has also caused incredible heart-ache for my sister. Maria and Liz are the same way, only Maria with Michael and Liz with me. 

I don't believe that Liz slept with Kyle. That isn't her. But she said she did, and she wouldn't lie. Except... once she told me she wouldn't lie for anyone but me. And I think that's what this is all about. Protecting me. I wish she could just tell me. Something could be done, I'm sure. Or maybe not. All I really know is that I miss the touch of her skin against mine, of her hair in my hands, of her constant scientific chatter when we're figuring out a problem, more than I thought you could ever miss something or someone.

And then there are days when I wonder if I'm insane. Here I am worrying about eight people when the world could collapse without my leadership. But those people are my friends, my reason for living. Without friends, why would anyone live anyway? To fight for strangers isn't very motivational.

Sometimes I feel as though I am two entities. Both share this body and my partial alien powers, but there is one who is a mighty king, and one who is a slightly scared, rather ordinary teenager with extraordinary powers. Max and Zanith. Zan and Max.

The king is this royal figure, a commander and a great leader of the people. Embraced by all for his ability to show compassion for the strangers of the land, for his wonderful heart. Max... Max is a frightened, slightly selfish, very serious, under-confident straight-A student at West Roswell High who is awed and impressed by his powers, but equally scared of them.

And the hole in my heart doesn't help matters any. When Zanith wants to be studying plans for saving the world, Max wants to curl up on his bed and indulge himself in a long moping session, lamenting his loss of Liz Parker.

For the last almost nine years, since I first saw her in the third-grade schoolyard, Max Evans has been head-over heels in love with the beautiful, smart, gentle girl. When I healed her and told her and Maria about me, I placed his life in her hands. Her gestures of secrecy proved her love, and for the past year, the world as Max sees it has revolved around her.

But my calling in life is not with her, and as much as I want to ignore it, I must settle things with a certain blond pixie girl. 

I don't love her, and I never will. Zanith does, and my physical body feels a powerful pull of attraction, but in this life, Max dominates in matters of the heart, and he doesn't feel it. Just can't seem to make that spark flare between the two of us.

Life will go on. Most people can say that, and know it's pretty sure to be true. Even if they, themselves, don't go on, there will always be life. But I'm pretty sure they mean the human kind. And if I don't live up to expectations, if I can't keep the planet safe, the saying will have an entirely different meaning.

I suppose I have a lot of things to worry about. It's natural for pressure and stress to build, right? But it builds so fast, the extended work-out sessions can't burn it completely away anymore. Even in my sleep, I can find no escape. I dream of what I will someday have to do.

My name is Max Evans, and I am a King. I will make the decisions that determine the rise and/or fall of civilization in my lifetime. And I'm scared as hell.

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   [1]: mailto:teneljade@netzero.net
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/princess_mcphee/roswell.html
   [3]: http://www.geocities.com/princess_mcphee/rosfanfic.html



End file.
